


A Kind of Death

by thewriterpoe



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-03 23:19:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5310914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewriterpoe/pseuds/thewriterpoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And the light that was Jongin was lost to him forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Kind of Death

They say that your life flashes before your eyes when you’re dying. In that moment, as he watched Jongin make his vows to Taemin, Kyungsoo was experiencing a kind of death as the life he could have had with his first love flashed before his eyes. He always knew he didn’t have a chance, not really. Even if he had confessed his feelings, Jongin would still have chosen Taemin so at least he spared himself that heart ache. But seeing the unadulterated joy in Jongin’s face drove the point home like a stake to the heart, creating an ache of another kind.

One by one, he began to let go; of Tuesday mornings and wishing for more days where it was just the two of them and the song on his iPod on repeat. Jongin’s nose would have been scrunched up and Kyungsoo couldn’t have helped smiling because it was always cute how hard Jongin tried to memorize lyrics. He let go of afternoon sex and the way Jongin’s eyes would have slipped shut and his mouth hang slightly open as ribbons of euphoria added to the thin sheet of sweat between their bodies. He let go of their little girl who would have had his eyes and Jongin’s smile; who would have fussed every morning when Jongin left for work.

Taemin would have them instead.

He let go of them all: morning breathe, fights on what color to paint their new house, 50th anniversaries whizzing past his eyes like projector slides until there was only one. The one of Jongin’s warm eyes drinking in every detail of his face, not once but three times  till every pore, spot, lash was engraved in his brain; the one that wasn’t a fantasy but a memory; the one that could have started it all. Jongin had sighed then, a look of sadness clouding his gaze and looking back Kyungsoo thought, in that moment, that maybe Jongin loved him the way he loved Jongin. “You can touch me,” Kyungsoo had said. That was as close to confessing that Kyungsoo had been. For half a second Jongin looked frightened, unsure, seeking permission. He seemed to have considered it but shook his head.

Taemin was saying his vows when Kyungsoo felt something wet drop on his hand. He looked at back of his hand and another fell. He quickly wiped his face. He couldn’t allow himself to break down even if Jongin was looking at Taemin like he was the world. If he did, he wouldn’t be able to stop from dissolving into utter nothingness. He already felt it happening, nothingness thinning his soul. He took in a deep breath, closing his eyes at the comforting hand covering his. Baekhyun was the one sitting next him. He was also the only one who knew how Kyungsoo felt about Jongin. “It’s a good thing you’re doing,” Beakhyun had told him when Kyungsoo decided not to confess to Jongin. It didn’t feel like something good then or now. Everything hurt. It was like his body was closing in on itself, his bones puncturing his lungs and making it hard to breathe.

The hall erupted into cheers when Taemin kissed Jongin and he smiled even though that kiss was the final nail in his coffin; and the light that was Jongin was lost to him forever.

 


End file.
